The one where i start to care…

I am not trapped in my body.  I’ve seen people who are and I’m sooooo not.  But I’m not appreciating it as much as I should today, because I’m getting bored.  Which is a drag.  I read the paper last night.  It was only the Saturday Guardian but I didn’t get round to it until late because it seemed like an effort.  Boredom pushed me to it in the end; that and making sure I could do it if I really wanted to.  I can and I did.  So I guess some trashy fiction might work soon.  I watched a DVD with Ben… well he watched it, I lasted about 20 minutes before my attention wandered irreversibly and I checked my facebook instead.  I could go out but it’s harder than I think it should be. I’ve been to the pub round the corner twice since last Monday and, while the arm there is more supportive than strictly necessary (not that I’ve done it without), I am aware while I am there that I’ve actually got to get back and I can’t say I don’t think about it before we leave. And it’s only round the corner.  And I’m completely reliant on a lovely people being with me.  Which is just utterly wrong on many levels.  So I’m dreaming of liberation – and I’m not talking a day trip to Paris here… just maybe a solo trip that isn’t a daily hospital run, even if its just to Westfield.  So I’ve also to start to working out ways to do it.  And there are ways.

For example, High St tomorrow will be achieved with Claudia by a cab straight from the hospital to the place where I know that M&S, H&M and The Gap are literally next door to each other, followed by a cab back.  It’s not even like it’s a separate outing or anything.  On Tuesday, there’s a suggestion on the table that we could do the cinema.  I know I’ve not managed a whole DVD yet but I’ve done Dr Who and Casualty, but it’s an outing.   Seriously, one takes what one can get!  On Wednesday I’m having lunch with a friend, and I’m going to use the same routine as the High Street to suggest going to one of my favourite places (I’ll blog it afterwards, but for those who have a rough idea, its my very rare treat place, the one where I usually order a simple plate of three-times-cooked-chips with a green salad.  The most bizarre bit of all being the chips are fine, but the green salad may have to go because of the quantity of vitamin k it contains, thus confirming this is a rather weird world at the moment!!!!).

Anyway, here’s the freakiest bit.  Apparently my GP – whom I haven’t yet seen – can write a prescription for a wheelchair.  Again, who knew??!! On the one hand I don’t want one as I can walk, thank you very much. On the other, it would mean I could go out for longer and on my own: for example, Westfield becomes possible. Jamie’s Italian is possible.  Del Aziz I’m not sure about, but I really would like their eggs benedict so I’m sure I can figure it out.  Hell, when my brain kicks good and properly, work might be possible faster too.  Now, obviously, I’m hoping this weird thought is forgotten shortly, out of complete lack of need.  But I’m thinking about it… Freedom sometimes has its prices.  Maybe, for a little while, this might be mine.

One more thing.  This is the first time that blogging what’s going on feels odd, and I’ve had to think about whether I really want to share this.  It’s pretty honest and makes me feel vulnerable not to be saying ‘its fine… I’ll be back at work in a week”.  Initially, nearer the critical bit, it was all short-term: crashing headaches and explaining how it all worked. Blogging meant I was released from saying the same thing 20 times to 20 different people who kindly called for an update 20 times a day, at a point where using ‘slide to answer’ on my phone was daunting.  But we’re not in that any more.  And none of this is as interesting for anyone, including me. But right now this is my life.  Though, I might not think about it too much that way because that eels like rocky ground.  Things change every day.  I’m incredibly lucky.  And I intend to stay that way.

So… I accepted pretty early on that I couldn’t control who knew the headlines and it that it wouldn’t be fair on my friends to ask them to withhold info (especially Kate… I know that was a tricky balance, thank you).  But, just for clarification, if you know where this is then you’re one of the people I don’t mind knowing what’s really going on. (And yes, people have asked me if they can forward the link because I inadvertently missed a couple of people out, for which I apologise. And yes, if I’m honest, I didn’t entirely appreciate that some of you were some of you before this, if you know what I mean, but I’m glad I do now!!).  Anyway, I thought I was going to facebook it for a lot more of my friends in due course, however, having posted last night I took it down after about 5 minutes.  It just felt so completely wrong.  This really is my life and I get to live it with whom I choose.  I have slightly less choices today than I did on at the beginning of the month and, until I get them back (which, don’t worry, is going to be sooner than even I think right at this moment in time), then amongst those people I know, I get to choose who gets to know how it really is in real time.  I don’t care about the strangers who come across this blog – one of the intentions is to have something there for anyone like me, because it turns out there aren’t many of us, and I wish someone else had done this – but I do care about the people I know, but not all that well.  There’s already 100-ish of you hitting this every day, so its not like I’m not feeling your moral support in its droves!  I don’t think I need the wider circle to know everything right now.

So if they ask, can you please thank them and  let them know I’m just fine and going great guns?  After all, it’s the truth.



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